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Just to let my Lj friends know, my dear Tommy left our physical world on Tuesday 11/6/2012


My father is doing better. He got his feeding tube in without a problem, and at first the doctor told him no solid food whatsoever. Well, I'm sure my father had something to say about it, and so when I went to see him the other day, I sat with him at dinner and he ate some meatballs with sauce. He just has to be very.... slow and chew it beyond chewed. But I'm sure that's giving him a different sort of nutrition than just liquid Glucerna or whatever premixed stuff they give him. As well, though not by much, I believe it will lessen the atrophy of his throat muscles. Also, the way the weather has been here, I"m thinking since he can go outside and sit, which he loves, that's keeping his spirits up.

Saw my oldest son when I went back to see dad. Made him get a haircut and shave before going to see his grandpa. The last time he went to see him, my dad said he could hardly stand it, the way he smelled. I guess he's planning on moving in with this other friend of his - and that's at least better than where he's staying now where he's being used as a babysitter and chauffer. Of course, given the parents, ha, those kids are probably loving having my son there for some positive interaction.

On my end, I am crossing my fingers and sometimes even my toes because I have a potentially very good job lined up. I've been on my 3rd interview and they said they're going to start letting people know later this week. It's only 2 miles from my house, great pay, great benefits.... so yeah, here's hoping.

Letting Go

Letting go. Letting - to "let" - means to allow. Right? Allow something to GO the way it will. Let go.

Sounds like an easy thing, doesn't it? But it isn't. It really isn't. There are so many reasons we are emotionally attached to situations, and hell, how can letting go be easy when sometimes it's subconscious? Ah, the human condition.... I'll be so glad when I move onto whatever lies ahead in my next life - well, assuming it's going to be nice I suppose.

In the last year, I've become far more "actively grateful" for the blessings in my life. Every single day when I start thinking ungratefully, and whining about all there is to whine about in life, I hear my inner voice reminding me that I woke up in my own bed, in my own apartment, that I pay for with a full-time job, where I'm safe.... etc. I hear that voice telling me to look at the men who sleep outside the churches, or the one-legged man who makes his living playing his saxaphone outside the market. I hear that voice, I SENSE that voice or whatever is behind that voice, smiling gently, benevolently, almost parental in nature, saying, "You know better now, child. Look around you and never ever forget to practice love and appreciation your world" I'm telling you - I sense it.

As such, when others egregiously fail to do the same, I do not get angry... I feel frustrated and rather sad that those persons do not sense and feel the same. Of course I realize whether it's "God" or just a "loving presence" or whatever one chooses to call "it" - That "it" isn't there for everyone, or if it is, it isn't the same for everyone.

That doesn't mean people can't appreciate what IS good in their lives. I mean, even the men outside the church at night.... I hope they say to themselves, "At least it isn't raining/snowing", or "I sure am glad I got this old blanket!" - They may not be actively practicing gratitude in their own minds, but appreciation is appreciation no less.

I say all this because as a mother, I love my children. I do. Of course I love my children. My sons are now 23 & 24.

My oldest son, "A", is grossly overweight, "depressed", on SSI and now living in a situation that I'd rather sleep in my car than endure. He's in a "relationship" with a grown woman in California, where she's married, has a kid, and she's a Jehovah's Witness. His self esteem is so pathetically low, he's allowing her to ruin his life. For example, he was going to stay in the apartment I moved out of and split the rent with a GIRL - who is just a long time friend of his and not interested in him in any other way - and California Woman pretty much ORDERED him to move out immediately.... and he did... into a house where the man is a useless clunk of "disability", as is his spouse (she's also kind of nuts) and their 4 kids under the age of six. He left without telling me goodbye, so long, I love you, hey let's have a beer, or anything. I guess his self-image and esteem is to the point where having *that* as a relationship is better than not having any relationship at all. I find that to be a tragedy. He is incredibly intelligent, has an awesome sense of humor, will do most anything for his friends and family....... but he won't get out of his own way and open his eyes to the fact that LIFE is right in front of him, and he's letting it pass away without knowing all that there is just waiting for him to enjoy, starting with feeling better mentally and physically.

But I can't do it for him. Believe me, I've led the horse to the water, pushed his head in and held it under, but I just can't make him drink.

My youngest son, "S", is existing in a shelter in Massachusetts. He's burned so many bridges, he could write a book on how to expertly alienate everyone that's ever tried to help you. A mother's bridge however, is as we know, far more able to be broken and repaired than others. Still, my bridge now, after this latest round, simply has a CLOSED sign on either side.

He always is asking me or whoever he can sucker into doing it, to send him money. I've lived in a shelter. Hell, I was in 3 different shelters. I understand - they suck. They're not meant to be Ritz-Carlton. They WANT you to leave, eventually. The food might not be 4-star. It might be donated pizza hut buffet items - trust me, I know... but it's food. So I sent him $50 "for food" and a $50 gift card to a clothing store because I had unexpected money come my way..... money I could have used for my own needs and wants. That was a month ago. This week, he claimed he had asked everyone at the community agencies etc, to help him get an ID so he could get back on SSI (of course), and they couldn't help him. This much I believe, because the shelter has had to close on Sundays during the day due to budget. So I reluctantly sent him another $40 and told him that unless and until I saw PROOF that he got an ID - a receipt, or copy of it etc., - There would be no more money sent, period. Fool me once, fool me twice you know? Instead of simply agreeing and being thankful... Sunday comes and since the shelter's closed, he texts me: "Hasn't had anything to eat since 7am! Can you send me $20?" REALLY? I say, "Um, I am at WORK. You know... employment?" Instead of apologizing and going on his way, he tells me how little I care, how when he DOES get back on his feet I better not beg him for help because he won't help me at all!

I mean....

I just cannot fathom the audacity.

I literally cannot comprehend being that incredibly ungrateful.

I called the shelter today and spoke with a lady there who's worked with him and told her that unless he can show greater appreciation and also that copy of the receipt or whatever, there will be no further communication.

Then I changed my phone number.

The closed sign is on the bridge.

My father is fading, slowly. I have bigger and better things to fill my mind. Life around me is incredible. I've fallen in love with my neighborhood, my city, (just look at my new Flickr Acct! http://www.flickr.com/photos/sp202/) and I am SO blessed and content to have my own place, clean, safe and warm with my beloved cats, Tommy & Lilah - and every day - as I said, I find more and more to be grateful for in my immediate surroundings and in the world. Despite wars and politics, despite famines and disasters.... Life Abounds.

And I'm letting go of ingratitude and strife.

I'm letting go.

Letting go.





And I love you all.

Sometimes I wish she knew

Maybe it wouldn't have mattered.... knowing how she was at that time, -who- she was at least from the fantasy realm where our friendship was born, maybe she would have just laughed at me if I had told her. She had a smile that lit up her whole face, a quick sense of humor and her accent of course, that almost slurry french that made her even more irresistable. She could be mean, she could be careless with your feelings to a fault.... but I loved her. I would have done practically anything for her, but more than that, she gave me a feeling of wanting just to love her, protect her, and give myself to her as a friend and beyond... not necessarily in the intimate sense, though I would even have considered that but I mean really give myself, loyalty wise. I don't know how to explain. It's the feeling you get when you watch someone you love sleeping. Maybe I loved the idea of her, of what her life had been and was, her spirit perhaps... but what I know is the one night when I waited to fall asleep in her room with the moon visible overhead through the skylight after a magical Boubon Street night, was probably the best moment of my life.

So for Caroline P., there is always this song. Wherever she is in life now, I hope she's happy.

Quietly while you were asleep
The moon and I were talking
I asked that she'd always keep you protected

She promised you her light
That you so gracefully carry
You bring your light and shine like morning

And then the wind pulls the clouds across the moon
Your light fills the darkest room
And I can see the miracle
That keeps us from falling

She promised all the sweetest gifts
That only the heaven's could bestow
You bring your light and shine like morning

And as you so gracefully give
Her light as long as you live
I'll always remember this moment."



I'll be moving into a new place either on July 8th or the 22nd - preferably the 8th. The picture that is my current default Lj icon will be maybe 3 minutes from where I'm going to be living. This is the part of Cleveland where I lived with the two guys before. It's an artisan community so I'm hoping there will be a bounty of good energy to help me along with writing projects I have had in mind for some time. The rent will be less per mo., but then I'm taking on gas & electric costs, so I'll have that to worry over. Frankly, even as I type this with the 8th not even 2 weeks away, I"m not 100% sold on the whole deal. I can't back out though because not only have I given him a deposit, I've also paid ahead on the rent. I certainly can't afford to lose all that money. There are a lot of things I'll miss about the current place, namely the balcony -sigh- and the trees beside it that make it seem like a little treehouse. Yet there are things I won't miss: The meathead neighbors, the flower shop downstairs =pollen, dust, etc., the 27 steps to get up to my apartment (treehouse!), the landlady's yipee dogs waking me up, repairs he hasn't tended in over 18 months etc. etc. And anyhow, for better or worse, despite what reservations I have about moving, I feel that in some way I'm being led to do it for some reason. I can only think positive and believe that the best is yet to unfold!

My Son:

Is presumably going to stay in the apartment I'm leaving. I'm not quite sure how he plans to succeed in that, given that yes they're going to lower his rent from $600 to $500/mo (all utlil paid), but still, he only receives less than $700/mo on his "disability" benefit. His food benefits will increase, but I wouldn't want to have to survive on that little. The other factor is the fact that frankly, he's a slob. I don't just mean normal "guy slop" like peeing on the toilet seat. I mean he doesn't shower, he doesn't pick up after himself to the point where there's dirty plates, pans etc in the living room and ugh, I mean it was ME who cleaned his last apartment when he moved out and damn sam, it was filthy. The landlady said she's going to do "inspections" and I sure as hell would if I was her, but then again should she really have to do that for a 24 year old man? Meh, that'll be OUT OF MY HANDS HOORAY!!!!!

The court case against his previous landlord keeps getting moved. The guy just asked for and was granted a continuance despite our written protests. I guess as I told my son 1) The Universe is seeking to impart patience and 2) You either play along or dismiss the case. -shrug-
The cats: 

I think are going to stay with him at the current apartment through the end of August - just because well..... there's the balcony and they love going downstairs to eat grass and lie on the rocks and at the new place, they won't have that luxury. They can go downstairs, but it isn't going to be the same for them and in a way I hate that so much. I mean some people might say so what they're just cats, but they're so happy where they are now. -sighing again- Honestly, as much as I love them, IF my son were more capable than he has demonstrated, I would gladly leave them there full time. I'd buy their food and such too, just because I know they'd be happier overall - Hm, but then again they'd miss me :) Tommy has even learned to say "Ma-Mah!" in one of his meows ha ha!

Lastly.... My Health:

I went and got the MRI on my foot and ankle. They say there's a big cyst in my foot and I thought A HA, there's the reason it feels like a rock right under my toes! Well, according to the podiatrist I just saw yesterday, it isn't located there. It's up higher by my ankle - and the ankle has tenosynovitis, which is a fancy way to say that the normal fluid in the ankle joint is leaking around into the tendons causing them to at times, slip out of place. The cyst compounds this, naturally. Anyhow, there's little that can be done about that other than cortison injections and a goofy, clunky boot. BUT THE BIG NEWS IS..... he said that the "rock" I feel in my forefoot, sounds to him like DIABETES symptom. The disease runs in my family, I'm way overweight, I eat all the wrong things, and yeah.... so it's not far fetched. THe last time I had it checked at the doctors, it was 201 and today my co-worker brought in his kit to test me and it was 207. Ahem. Yeah. Once I get moved in, I'm going to be closer to the main hospital/clinics, so I'm going to get a regular doc set up down there beforehand and definitely address the issue.




Hey out there to anyone who sees this. I rarely post in this journal anymore. Truth is, I'm rarely online anymore - and that's a good thing I guess.

For a while now I've been looking around at apartments. I'm known to be rootless, and tend to move every 2-3 years. The longest I've lived anywhere is 5 years, so that says a lot. Anyhow, I wanted to look down in an area of Cleveland where I stayed for a while with those two older guys - I think when I started THIS jounal actually, back in December of 2008. It's a nice area in some aspects - artisans, writers, painters, musicians etc. along with tree-lined streets reminiscent of the Garden District in New Orleans. It's a historic homes district too, so there's structural appreciation to be had. I really liked the vibe when I lived there. The downside is that there are a lot of social service centers around so in turn, a lot of homeless and mentally challenged or ill individuals along with panhandlers. To note - a while ago while scouting places down there, I went to the thrift store and this guy is eyeballing me like watching where I"m going to park and he's headed toward that - knowing the area like I do, I pulled out and actualy drove around the block -again- and then went back to the store. I guess it's like the hotel thing where if someone doesn't ASK for a discount, I might just feel generous and give them one: I give to the homeless and "indigent" - I have to, because I've been there in the most minor of ways, and if I don't remain conscious of their plight, I believe now or in some other time, I will once again face that truth in my life. Maybe not, but if a few bucks staves it off, I'll do it.
Anyway, I put a deposit on an apartment down there yesterday and am waiting to see if they approve my application. I don't think they will deny it, but even if they do, I'm okay where I'm at through the summer at least, then we'll see what happens. If they do approve it, I'll be moving in at the end of July, because the whole apartment needs cleaned and essentially remodeled. The previous tenant lived there 15 years and smoked like a chimney. That means new carpet, new bathroom, new kitchen.... Nice :)

My son is going to court on 6/8/11 against his landlord where he lived in the barn/apartment. I do hope he wins a settlement, but I worry about him because if he does, he has this cockeyed plan to drive his piece of shit 1984 Fiero to California with very little money in hand. If he doesn't win, gets no money..... well then what? He has no "plan b", per se and he's NOT moving with me, period. He can live in a Fiero before that happens.

The other son - he gets out of Massachusetts jail in July. If it weren't so sad it would be funny, when he writes a letter to Anthony that says he's going to buy this gaming system and this kind of clothes and smoke weed and drink..... and it's like, where are you going to get all this money, son?

Ah well, online or off, I'm done claiming any degree of responsibility for other people's choices.  Done. I plan to get moved to wherever, settle in and start my own life over - as I tried to do once already before my oldest moved back in!! -

I'm excited and I know everything is on its way!

wow - winning! (not)

Whether anyone thinks he brought it on himself, or he's a total ass, or he's riding it all the way to the bank -- this man obviously needs help. God. Look at him. Tweaked out and not in touch.

Ridding Myself Of Weight...

You know, I've been going to the rec center/gym now for about a month.

I go and mostly do workouts un the pool. I use the styrofoam weights and mostly work on my upper back, as that's where the pain resides and the stretching does make it less - or at least I hurt afterward from working the muscles, not just because something is wrong in that area. I also do some deep water jogging and crunches.

In a month, I can see some body differences. I carry all my weight in my belly. I mean honestly, for years now, I"ve looked about 8 months pregnant, and actually been asked about that fact several times, much to my embarassment. Anyway, now, I'm starting to notice that my belly is getting what I call the "minus ten flap" which is at the bottom right of my belly. It's this kind of fold that happens right there when I start to lose weight.

Exercising for me isn't hard. I actually like going to the gym vs. exercising at home. In the midst of a cold winter, it gives me something to do and when I know there's a 104 degree hot tub waiting for me, hell yes.

The thing that IS hard for me is not surprisingly, impulse control. In this case, with food. I can be in the middle of gulping down a bowl of (badformefood#4457921) and hear that voice in my head saying you know....... but I still do it. Sometimes I wonder if I have some sort of reverse anorexia mentality you know? I mean that like this: There are a lot of things in my life where I feel I have no control. So when I overeat, in some way -- I am -- controlling that aspect. I am saying "If I want it, I damn well can have it right here, right now and there's no one here going to tell me I can't." So I do. Then I regret it. Fortunately, I'm not so fond of vomiting so it stays inside and grows into more belly fat. A lot of it is also something biochemical, obviously. I crave sugars and starches and to note:  I have diabetes all through my family.

So there are many challenges.

I don't want to be a size 2, but I would like to lose 100 pounds and that.... seems insurmountable BUT for the fact that in 2005, I lost half of that and felt so much better about myself.  So I know I -- can -- do it, but then again, it isn't easy. lol.

Got some stuff today @ GNC that's called OxyElite Pro, which is supposed to be excellent appetite suppression, which is precisely what I need. The other stuff I can do on my own, so far as getting to the pool etc., so we'll see where it takes me. It was far more money than I wanted to spend on such a thing, but if it helps.... And my asshole doctor won't give me Adipex, so what can I do?


I think I found out what breed my baby girl belongs to at last. Sure I don't have any papers or anything, but ooh la la she is just so beautiful!
This is ** not ** Lilah, but it IS a "Siberian" cat very similar in color. Lilah's coat is predominately gray, but the thing that makes her so lovely is that in certain light, it has an almost blush shade to it around her neck and her belly fuzz is almost a pale apricot color... no, almost I"d say like a "smokey apricot" 

I would love to get Xmas photos taken of her - well, just professional photos you know?

Another  cat from  http://www.siberiancatworld.com that looks like Lilah. She doesn't have a lot of what's called the "agouti" trait which is what affects the stiping I believe. She has stripes on her hind legs, that's about it.  

So looks like I just had an 8 wk vacation?

I'm starting back to work today @ Radisson.

I was asked to come back, and offered a bit of pathetic raise as incentive. Certainly not enough to warrant real interest, but hey, I need a steady job and I know what I'm doing there you know? IF I hadn't been stupid enough to trust in my son to hold a job, I am sure I would still be at Radisson without interruption.

It wasn't so bad being off for the bulk of crazy ass wedding season though :)

AND - good news is too: I went to apply for food assistance the other day and oh yes thank you, I should get my card any day now with $269 for the month of September plus back dated to when I applied in August. Also my son's goes up to $151, so at least until I have to tell them I'm working again, food shouldn't be a problem.

-sigh- I'm going to hate being on my feet all damn night again. Ah, but then, there's Internet access :)